i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
