i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
