I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
