What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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