why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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