Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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