I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
