I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
