God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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