I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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