The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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