I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
