I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
