he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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