What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
