guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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