that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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