Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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