Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
