I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
