Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
