the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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