I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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