my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
