my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
