my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
