The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm too high and old for this...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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