Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
