My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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