Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
