census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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