The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
