My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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