I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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