apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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