If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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