just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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