Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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