he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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