I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
