she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
