This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
