I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
