Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
