life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
