you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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