i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
