i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The air taste purple.
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