Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
