ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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