Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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