I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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