I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
